Uninspired

Tedium - 6/2/24

I've been seeing tedium as the enemy of all that is good, meaningless. That it is something that I should avoid at all costs if I want to "make something" of my life. However, I decided to take on the home project of painting the banisters of my stairs and I'm actually enjoying it.

I'm always looking for projects to do around the house - a habit that drives my husband crazy. Lately I was at a little Parisian themed bakery/random stuff store - you know on of those bullshit stores that are entertaining to walk through and might be good for gifts, but not for anything actually useful. Anyway they had these old wood stairs and had the banisters painted grey. And I loved it. It felt like a way of embracing the old, but still saying "I care about my house". So I decided to paint the banisters this barnwood gray .  It was previously this off-white color that looked raggedy. Anyway so I started this project (almost done) and there were many things I ended up liking about it.

First, I realized I like visually inspecting things, fixing them, and doing these two things repeatedly. With this project sometimes the old paint still showed through and I needed another coat or missed a spot. Doing this over and over actually brought me quite a bit of joy. 

Second, this project was something that I can look at and appreciate on the daily. I go up and down these stairs every day and find myself telling myself (maybe convincing myself) "Wow this looks a lot better". 

Third, I enjoyed the tedium/monotony of it. I could think of other things, have a show in the background, and forget about any of the stressors I normally think about. I guess it is kind of meditative. Probably would be even more meditative if I didn't have the tv in the background, but I like the company. 

Any sometimes tedium is just what I need. 

Describing my level of inspiration - 5/4/24

Lately, the hardest part is not really doing a task, but creating the motivation to do something.  I haven't felt truly creative in over 2 years. I just feel uninspired. 

There have been times in my life when I painted every spare moment I got, but these days it feels that I fill every spare moment with TV.  I don't know why and I'd like to get out of this rut. It seems a good place to start is what seems to have helped or not helped my inspiration in the past. 

Things that have worked:

• Having a  class that I liked: I had this class I liked, better yet I loved the teacher. It was a Painting 2 class. And it was nice to have dedicated time each week where my sole job was to paint and do nothing else. I also really like having someone tell me what to do, which sounds like the opposite of creativity, but it's nice to have some constraints. The class was discontinued and I haven't found another class I really liked. Though I cannot say that I have been looking very hard.  I tried a class recently it was about freeing your mind and treating drawing like dancing letting the image move you. We were not even allowed to try to draw any figures. Many in the class really liked it, but it felt too goo goo gaga for me and I really like drawing figures.  

• Setting a Goal: One year I made a new years resolution to make one painting every month. They started simple with a painting I could finishin an afternoon and got more invovled toward the end of the year where I'd sped over 60 hours on a painting that would drag on beyond a month. In that period, I created works that I was more and more proud of. That said, lately I need more rationale for every goal I make. I've given up on making new years resolutions and I'm kind of happy about it. 

Things that haven't worked 

• What's the big whoop? : When I was painting regularly, I was mostly painting for images. I loved the works I created, but as I tried to improve my skills started getting critical - "Where is the creativity in copying over a picture?". In reality I think I did more than I gave myself credit for. My paintings were never an exact copy of the image. I took liberties to get rid of things I didn't like from the photos and found simplications to capture the feeling of some things when copying seemed too tedius or ugly. I wonder if I should return to taking pictures of things that bring me inspiration and "copying them", while trusting that I will take more and more liberties and slowly grow in that way instead of transforming overnight. Now that I write it, it sounds obvious. baby steps. 

• Limiting myself to one medium: I've mostly limited myself to oils. This felt like the type of medium that is what "real artists use." While it has lots of good sides and I love using it, it has lots of down sides lots of chemicals, cleanup, takes forever to dry. When I got pregnant it felt like this was a non-starter. But can I actually create a work of art with just pencils and markers? In theory yes, deep in side I feel no. There is also will I be as good at a new medium - i.e. guache - or will I just be clumsy and will it be frustrating. 

• Needing to create a work of art: This is one that i don't think I let go of. I'm very final product motivated. Doing something just for the sake of it never appealed to me . I'd like to be a person who is just all about the process, but realize I just have to accept myself for who I am. I want to create something that has the possibility of decorating my home. 

There you have it a first step at dissecting my recent lack of passion. Awareness is the first step. Right?